Homecoming... Family Day .... Traumaversary ....

One year ago today we became legally Lucy's family.  In the adoption world, this day has been coined "gotcha day".  The term "gotcha" resonates with me negatively.  As an adoptee and adoptive mom, I cannot get my mind around a day that can symbolize trauma and happiness to be called by a term that isn't even a full word.  In my eyes, it seems nonchalant for such a powerful day.   We have been entrusted to love and raise her.
For now, we have decided to call this day as Lucy's family day.  We are not making a big deal of this day.  We are going to recognize Korea, draw a picture for birth mom and write a letter and send a gift to foster mom and hold the day as authentically as we can.
As Lucy gets older, we will let her lead the day.  If she wants it to be not celebrated we will honor her.  If she wants it to be called something other than family day, we will do that. If she wants to eat a Korean dinner and dress up, we will do that.   I will always acknowledge the day to the other mothers that have been in Lucy's life. 
It is a significant day to Dave and I and between us we will look back and remember. 
We will hold Lucy on this day and pray to God to give us wisdom in raising our children. 
One year ago today,  I watched the most heartbreaking goodbye and felt relief that Lucy now has stability and a family that can take care of her.  This day is seared on my heart. 
We love you Lucy.  You are strong.  You are resilient.  We hope that you feel all the love we have for you. 

The Wait

We have been sitting in silence.
Waiting to hear of our court date to go and meet our daughter.
This has been the most difficult part of this process.
It has been about 7 weeks of leaving it to the Lord.  We know we are next in line to be scheduled and wait in anticipation.
God is giving me a lesson that I did not want to see.
A weakness that is hard to admit and claim.
Patience.
As a mother, I thought God automatically preloaded that into you when you gave birth or welcomed a child into your family.
Not so for me.
I have learned that patience and the need to control has been one of the hardest things for me to let go of in this adoption.
Early in the fall when I was in control of filling out paperwork, pushing our social worker(nicely coaxing... ok... kinda pushing) and getting physicals, psych evals, fingerprints..etc... it was hard but so much more calming because I had a checklist and was able to manage it.
Once all of the things I could do was over and I had to just let the process ride, I have been having to sit in trust.
Trusting that the government would give us clearance, that our agency would be sending in our documents at the correct time, the courts would be handling our file and notifying birth family, and mostly trusting God that if she is to be ours, He will move the process forward.

You guys. I love Amazon Prime. I can have google eyes, ibprofen and batteries all delivered to my house in 2 days.  I love knowing that there are new iPhones coming out every year, sometimes TWICE a year.  I heart having pizza delivered to my house in 30 minutes.  This life affords us such materialistic comforts in an instant.
This is a lesson I never thought I would be learning in this. But it is the lesson my family and especially me needs.
Waiting and sitting in God’s trust has slowly worked through me.  I have no control in this.  I have never had control. I always like to think I have control but the reality is, it’s not God’s design.  For my relationship to work with God I need to feel safe and trust His hand in my life. I just have to keep remembering that Jesus waited.  He waited and prayed. . . Before he was crucified.  I can only imagine the wait and trust God for such a sacrifice.  I am not even close to that wait. I can do this if He did that for me.
So we wait and pray.
I hope you are praying.  (Thank you)
Because I have not perfected this patience thing.
For all of you in the middle of a wait.  I hear ya.  I am with ya.

Let's talk about D-N-A

Today is the day we celebrate my birthday.
March 9th was issued as my birthday when I was found in South Korea.
I always try to capitalize on the fact we do not know the exact day I was born, thus making my family celebrate me for at least a week.

When we began our journey of adoption, it became clear to me that I was going to be facing a parallel emotional journey of my birthplace.

I could not let the joy of the adoption of our daughter be overshadowed by feeling overwhelmed all of the sudden by my own abandonment and adoption.

The first thing I did was request all of my adoption paperwork from Holt US and Holt Korea.
My files didn't really offer much more information than I had expected.
They did offer me the exact location of my "finding place" and it showed that I was taken into custody of Holt when I was about 5 months old and I was in an orphanage up until that point.  I was adopted in October.

Holt could not offer me much more information than that.  What they did offer me was closure in my curiosity on if there was any "hidden" documentation.

While I was waiting for my files I also did a DNA test through 23andme.  My two main focuses was to find out if I had any genetic indicators for health threats (especially ones I would pass on to the boys) and to find out my racial origins.

I had to have a 30 minute period of not eating and drinking.  That doesn't seem like it would a difficult task but as soon as I tried to set the timer my tummy would start rumbling and my throat felt parched.  Embarrassingly, it took me more than a day to accomplish this.

I sent the kit back and it took about 6 weeks for my results.
The results came back showing that I didn't have any genetic markers for any of the carriers of inheritable diseases.
And as for my ancestry.... Big surprise here...
I am 56% Korean, 28% Japanese, 8% Chinese, 7% Broadly East Asian, and 1% Sub Saharan African.
The other reports had interesting information like my lactose intolerance and DNA markers for earlobe types.

Now that we have the factual information, here is the feelings part.

For those of you who have adopted children please take this information in and I hope it helps you relate to them.
For those of you also adopted, maybe you have similar feelings or can relate in the same way.

God provided me a family, I never felt a need to search out my biological family because I have always been so loved.  But there is a clear difference in the feeling of a need for family and always having a curiosity of your origins.

There is a narrative that always run in the background of  my mind. It doesn't overtake my life but it is that soft murmur that comes and goes. "Did my mom die when she was giving birth to me? Was she in trouble?  How long was she in labor? Did she crave certain foods when she was pregnant? Did my dad know about me?  How much did I weigh when I was born?...."

Parents of adopted children, I implore you to keep with the facts for your adopted child. I know it takes all of you to not want to comfort them and tell them things that you feel will help them. I know it hurts your heart to see them struggle with their unknowns.  Not one parent wants their kids to hurt. But the issue is that they already have their own narrative running and to add to that does not quiet those words.  It confuses them and offers them a sense of betrayal when they find out that their story was embellished.  What they need from you is to sit with them in their feelings and allowing them to vocalize their narrative and let them know that NOW they are loved and NOW they have you and God to help with healing.  When you cannot fill in the THEN tell them what they have NOW.
What helps me is meditating on what God, and knowing that He will reveal to me what I need.

This causes me to RELY on Him.

It hurts guys.  It was not easy for me to confront that I will never have the opportunity to know the answers. I have been surprised by the amount of emotions that bubbled up.  Receiving my files from Holt that said ABANDONEE with no other information had finality.  I am not going to tell you that it doesn't sadden me. If there was more information, I know it would have caused another file of emotional hoops, so I realize that journey would have been difficult as well.

Fellow adoptees, I sit with you in the quietness of our lives that will never be answered.  I grieve with you over the unknowns.

I have begun taking the day I celebrate my birth in praying for my birth mother, whether she is still alive or has passed. I thank the Lord for her and hope she has peace, I pray that God takes her in His arms as He has held me and she seeks the same comfort from Him.

When Dave and I go to Korea, I plan on visiting the orphanage where I spent time before I went to Holt.  I plan on going to my finding place, taking a picture and praying with Dave at that site.

23andme has me registered so if a biological relative pops up, I may have that connection if I choose.

But mostly, I am so thankful for this journey and that I have been able to mourn my losses and be thankful for how healthy and loved I am.  I celebrate the fact that I will hopefully be able to sit with my daughter and pray with her for her birth mom.

God comforts. God celebrates with us. He has never failed me.  

End of Year Update!

Hi!
We are coming to the end of the year! This last month God has smiled upon us in ways we never could have imagined!(It has been such a great month that the ! will be used liberally.)
First, our boys have been so great through this whole process. We have found them to be more and more generous.  They accepted having a smaller Christmas due to saving money for the adoption and it has shown us that it is more about family time than material goods.  
We attended Dave's company Christmas Party. It was a nice change to talk to other adults rather than conversations with my two year old consisting of yogurt and the Cars movie.

In adoption news, we finished our ATK(acceptance to Korea to adopt our baby) on the 15th of December, we got our Biometrics appointment for our I-600a (petition to bring an orphan into the country) at the USCIS office on Thursday last week and our adoption agency said she is sending our Dossier to Korea this week! This all couldn't have been accomplished as quickly if we had not gotten a great and very generous grant from Sacred Selections.  They called me the day after I received a very large bill from our Agency to move forward with our paperwork.
The remarkable part of this is, Dave was out of town when I got the bill and that night I prayed that we would find a way to overcome the money road block.  God once again reassured me of His hand in this.
We are not allowed to post pictures of our girl until we take custody but I can assure you I look at her picture and my heart hurts every day that goes by that I am not holding her.  But I am so thankful for the process moving smoothly so far.
The timeline from here on out gets blurry and very unpredictable.  We now wait for the US to approve our petition.  Then for Korea's Ministry for Health and Welfare to approve us and get an EP submission (Korea only approves so many EPs a year for orphans to be adopted) after EP submission, it gets approved and then a court date is issued.  There is not a rhyme or reason to the timing on this. Some have been submitted a month after dossier goes to Korea and some wait 3 months.  Then between EP submission and approval it can be up to an additional 4 months.  So we could be in for a long wait.
But we know God is in control and I am so thankful for all the steps we made this month.
We are also so thankful for you and all the donations made. We still are fundraising for travel and back pay for all the fees we have already paid to WACAP.
We are so thankful for every year God has granted us and 2016 has been memorable. AAAAAND 2017, I will have my girl in my arms!

First Fee

This last weekend I was on my way to a spiral of fear.

We had mailed our first fee of $5720.00 to WACAP. We had to put this amount on a credit card because we had cleaned out our savings paying for our homestudy and government fees.  Yesterday the card was charged by our agency (the biggest one time charge I have ever made).

You know what else happened yesterday?

We had a huge donation made to our AdoptTogether site.  To bring us almost to the amount we just paid.  

God reminds me that He has us covered.  

I am thankful for this reminder.  And I hope to remember and be thankful when our next fees ($5500 and 14,500) come fast and furious towards me. 

Our family is so thankful for this whole experience, it is giving us a tangible example of how God will take care of us.  

Please keep praying and sharing our story! We are ever so delighted in the encouragement.  

Homestudy Complete & T Shirt Fundraiser!

We just celebrated Thanksgiving and we have so much to be thankful for!

- We got an update on our baby and she is doing very well!
-  Our Homestudy is complete! (YAY!!!)
- My lovely Sister in Law Sarah and very great friends and extended family, Seth and Tammy, designed a T shirt for a fundraiser.

The fundraiser details:

 Website: https://www.bonfire.com/bring-baby-girl-schutt-home/

The Design in hand brushed stroked Korean lettering for family.  $5 flat shipping fee and it comes in youth sizes as well as women's slim fit.

We ask again that you just pray for our adoption. We have found that every day that goes by we are hopeful but also since being matched with our baby that our hearts are hurting to be with her more and more.

WE ARE ADOPTING!

Hi!

So if you missed our announcement, we are adopting from South Korea!
There is so much that went into this decision.
As probably all of you know I am adopted myself. It is one of the first things I inform people about me.  It is part of my identity.
All of my life I have known I was adopted (hard to hide since I did not look like the rest of my family).  This has been an open discussion all of my life.

I love being adopted.

I was adopted into a family that had 3 boys, the oldest being disabled.  Our family was definitely unique, it was a family made for compassion.  I always felt wanted and a Johnson.
I was recently asked in a seminar that I attended on adoption "what did your parents do to make you feel so special?".  My reply was that my parents always shown me from a young age examples in the Bible of characters that were adopted and became great ambassadors for God.  Moses, Joseph and my favorite, Jesus.  I felt a bond to these characters and at the same time found myself honored to be in this club of great responsibility.

God knew I could be great.

I am here to tell you, I am living proof God takes care of even the "least of these". He has been with me being born into uncertain circumstances to a mother that had to make a very hard choice.
He watched me as I went to an orphanage and had to cry until there was no more noise.
He gave me a woman to be my foster caregiver for 2 months until I was adopted.
He placed me in a home with 3 older brothers that love me fiercely and gave me a sense of family identity.
He held me when I turned 7 when I realized the woman who held me in her womb decided she no longer could care for me and I cried about being abandoned.  He watched as my mom and dad held me and cried with me over my feelings of loss.
He carried me through awkward years of being different and gave me a husband that loves me and holds me when I have those same feelings of loss at times.
He celebrated as I gave birth to 3 of my own children and the joy I have in raising them (I could not have imagined the love).
And now, I know he will carry me as I journey to send my DNA in and adds me to a registry for birth family and to know as much about my genetics as possible. To pull my original adoption file and as I plan to go back to Korea to the place I was abandoned.
He blessed me with a husband who knows that the adoption wasn't a matter of how but when. Who quietly smiled at me when I told him he was getting old and I submitted our application to adopt. God held my hand as I nervously watched a social worker walk through our house and ask us very personal questions.
He holds me as I am moved by the compassionate people who want to adopt children too.
He shows favor upon me when the program manager saw our file, and was moved by our home study, took it upon herself to call the adoption agency on approval for a baby girl that had medical needs that she knew we would love her through.
And now, as we face a great deal of money due faster than we expected, I know He will provide. It is crystal clear to me that God has been the Father to me that has never left.

We have already been humbled.
 This process strips you down and makes you feel naked and lets strangers inspect every aspect of your life.  From every penny you owe and how you spend the pennies you do have, making your dearest friends write what they think are your weaknesses, the social worker asking you intense questions about your childhood and question your philosophy on rearing children, a 600 question psych eval to asking people to give of their own pennies to help you.
It has made me a tender person.
It has made me realize I am not as bullet proof as I thought I was.
It has been a form of therapy for Dave and I. We discuss things we never had imagined needing to discuss. We are closer for it.

So since I am already stripped down, let me humble myself a little more and ask all of you some favors.

 First and foremost PRAY.  Pray for our daughter waiting for us, that her medical, emotional and physical needs are met. Lift us up in your prayers through this paperwork laden process.

If you can do more than pray (which I am so so grateful if you are able). We have some great opportunities to assist in the cost of the adoption.
I want to be as transparent as possible through this.  Adoption is expensive but so worth it (I mean my parent's put in a pretty penny for me and look! I am a healthy adult, just ask the psychologist) Through watching Aaron and Sarah's adoption with Luke, I saw community, church, friends and family get closer and glorify God in the process of raising money.
So let's glorify God y'all!

Things we have paid for: Application to adopt: 350, Homestudy: 3500, Psych eval (yeah we passed! phew!): 440, legal documents: 350, Adoption education: 80

Things we need to pay for in an extremely short amount of time since we got matched with the most adorable 8 month old girl(we legally can't share pictures on any public forum, but believe me the cuteness is strong)
USCIS: 945; WACAP fees: 13,200: Foreign Agency Fee: 14,500(going all to Holt and South Korea).  Dossier fee: 640; Travel facilitation fee: 800 and post placement fees (not sure why this is due so soon but it is) 1,040;  Yes, so that is a total 31,125.
I know.  
Let's all take a moment of silence about this amount.

Costs needed after the courts in both countries have processed the adoption approval:
Traveling twice to Korea: 7-8000, Hotel: 2-3000
This also does not include medical needs we may encounter after we bring her home.

I might have convulsed a little and shed a tear when I was presented with the fees (but she had already shown me our little girl's file so I was defenseless)

What we have started to do:
I have filled out grants, (my sister in law, Sarah has facilitated most of it. BTW, she really is amazing)
We have cut costs. (my husband has cut back on his lunches out, my boys don't get the prepackaged chips, its pretzels all day,,, probably should have been doing that all along; and boy since we have cut back, have I realized how much waste we have in our lives. That's a whole blog post in itself. I have tried to cut our grocery bill, etc...)
We are looking into selling t shirts (awesome ones related to this awesome adoption) and other product fundraiser items to buy.
We have a set up a site where you can donate, http://adopttogether.org/schuttbaby (it is a 501(c)(3) so you can write off your donation!)

Any other ideas you have, we would love to hear!

We will add a ticker to show how much we have raised to final goal.  And I will keep you updated on any grants we are offered and from whom, if allowed.

What we hope from this adoption:
We give an orphan a home and forever family.
My children learn that we are blessed beyond measure and this offers them a tangible example of God's adoption example that he displays for us in His word.
Our church and local congregation is brought together through prayer and support.
Our community, it will open up ways of discussion about God.
That we may educate, encourage and uplift people about the adoption process.  If it mean we stir other hearts towards adoption or in the least be supportive of the idea.

My mom and dad saw this encouragement from my Aunt Evelyn

We are already seeing great love and are encouraged.

My Brother Aaron and family came as soon as they heard we were submitting our application to install the hardwood floor in our house that we had saved and bought a year and a half ago. Dave and I did not have the time to install it.  It was being stored in Oliver's room and figured that the social worker may frown on 600 sq feet of lumber in the babie's room.  My mom and dad and Dave's mom came over and we all knocked it out in one weekend. That not only was so helpful for safety and overall house renovation but it helped calm my nerves about the homestudy visits.
My sister in law(Sarah Johnson) through this whole process has helped me with paperwork, abbreviations, getting in contact with other adoption groups, heard me bawl my eyes out, laughed with me, listened to me vent, and is now helping me fill out paperwork. She texts me at 10 at night with fundraising ideas I have to tell her to shut it down and go to sleep. (sometimes I think she may steal my baby when she comes home) Thank you for trailblazing the way so that my adoption can seem seamless.
My Mom (who cries every time the adoption is brought up) and Dad who as always, a steady stream of cheering us on through all of this.
All the people I have asked for a referral from.  I understand it is not easy to write a letter under a time period and on top of it, get it notarized. Especially when I needed some within days of my request, you are truly awesome friends.
To the people who we have used for their connections to help us with paperwork (Scott, btw we think your job is so cool).  Those who have given me medical advice and the courage to face the unknown obstacles that they may include, you are invaluable to me.
My close girlfriend group who are "on call" for anything we need and are even helping me with suggestions of what English name to give our child. You are my circle, my village, without our group texts, I would be lost.
Those who have given me the kindest words already and cheering us on, our hearts have been filled.

We truly feel blessed in the process. General wait for a match or referral is 6-12 months and even longer when you request a girl.
This is such an uplifting time in our lives and I pray that you will feel just as encouraged and a part of her life as I have felt the privilege of meeting people who have told me they were at the airport when I came home. Or prayed for me and my parents when they were going through the process.

It gives me great honor to have this responsibility as an ambassador of God's love.  We will keep you posted on our steps as we traverse this exciting adoption.

Let's bring our girl home!